Profiles in Disorder: Roundbottom

Holmes and Watson.  Batman and Robin. Riggs and Murtaugh.  Ahab and Moby Dick.  Our culture is rife with duos who are only at their best (or worst) when together.  Duos so intertwined that it is inconceivable to think of one without the other.  In that spirit, where you find Cray-Cray you are assured to find:

Belinda Sparkleshoes

ROUNDBOTTOM

Known Aliases:  Hammer of Chaos, Harbinger of the Storm, Lady Bonnie Beleulah Sparkleshoes

Age: 3 years, 8 months, 2 days, 4 hours, 51 minutes…….

Profession:  Criminal Mastermind / Competitive Eater

Distinctive Characteristics:  Eyes that sparkle with equal parts mischief and malice, a trunk filled with excessive junk

Likes: Sandwiches, Thomas the Tank, cookies, Superman, apples, bubbles, chicken nuggets, crayons, French fries, puppies and kitties, bananas, crushing his enemies and hearing the lamentations of their women……..

Dislikes:  Authority, sleeping, a cappella singing, any object which he cannot take from his elder brother

Spirit Animal:  Donkey Kong

Favorite Movies: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, The Chipmunk Adventure, Thomas The Tank Engine: Tales of the Brave, Apocalypse Now

Past Life Incarnation:  John Belushi

Quote:  “I help?” (Translation:  “That is an extraordinary amount of food you have on your plate.  Lift me up onto your rapidly receding lap and allow me to save you from yourself and the ever-increasing cellulite I’ve noticed developing on your problem areas.  You look bad enough in bike shorts already.”)

BIO:  A surprise to the parents who were just getting used to one tiny overlord, Roundbottom chose to make his pending arrival known on the occasion of Cray-Cray’s first birthday party.

Even in utero, he insisted on being the center of attention.

Where Cray-Cray is the muscle, Roundbottom is the brains.  Preferring to achieve his goals through subtle manipulation and guile, he has mastered the “Look at My Adorable Pudgy Face” technique to not only obtain that which he desires, but also to avoid parental reprisals in the process.

Ironically, while he goes out of his way to demand attention, he also goes to great lengths to avoid it. Wishing to take on the substance of myth and shadows, Roundbottom has developed a number of skills that, in his own mind at least, mask him from the watchful eyes of “The Tall Ones”.  A master of disguise, he has amassed a collection of costumes that allow him to take on the identities of everyone from a man of steel to the dowager countess of an English estate.  He also continues to fine tune his ability to blend unseen into his surroundings.  As shown from the picture below, these skills still need some work:

hiding

Upon joining the household, his most fervent desire was to be in his brother’s orbit.  No matter where Cray-Cray attempted to hide, or what he was doing, Roundbottom insisted on joining him.  Unfortunately, these attempts were met with physical resistance, often leading to explosive meltdowns that had their parents fearing calls from the neighbors to Child Protective Services.

Recognizing that he cannot match his brother’s natural hand-to-hand combat skills, Roundbottom has focused on learning weapons and tactics.  Able to fashion weaponry out of any household object, he recently crafted a flail from a ball of Play-Doh and a shoestring.  In an attempt to match his brother’s ferocious strength he has also undertaken the training of the Sumo, consuming every foodstuff in the house to increase his already considerable bulk.

Their initial experience with parenting  consisting of raising a child with autism, his parents were completely taken aback by the rate of his development, particularly his language skills.  This has worked to his favor, as it has not only lead to his opponents underestimating him, it has also provided him a cover to eavesdrop on language from his unsuspecting parents that can only be referred to as “salty”.

What all this boils down to is that Roundbottom will not be denied. Ever.  Once he has become fixated on an object he desires or a certain course of action,  he will resort to any means necessary to realize it.  Don’t let the chubby cheeks fool you.  He rides a Pale Turtle (his father) and heck comes with him.

 

 

 

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